A Love That Never Was

In the very last episode of Ally McBeal, Ally had to move out to New York for the sake of Maddie's health. John, alone at his office, was reminiscing about some of the earliest meaningful conversation he had with Ally. The two had grown closer each year ever since they found out that they could understand each other's weirdness. They had a date once, which ended somewhat terribly. And John had to call it quits because it was apparent to him that at the time Ally was still in love with someone else from her past. At one point, Ally entertained the idea that they may have been made for each other and confronted John about it. But John was seeing someone else at the time and he began to see that their similarity made them best at being each other's therapist --not lover. Ally agreed that they shouldn't ruin their valuable friendship by contaminating it with love.

But for John, Ally would always be something special because in a world full of judgmental people, Ally is one of a very few people who gets him. In their own words, John no longer felt like he was the weirdest person in the room when he's with Ally. It's a blessing to ever have a chance to find someone who can make you feel that way and John knew it. He didn't get to meet someone like Ally everyday and everywhere. So it's very natural for him to cling onto her. It's very natural for him to want her for himself. And it's very natural for him to make another attempt...

John's musing was interrupted by Nelle's presence, who apparently had been standing there at his office unnoticed for quite some time.

"Nelle? Hello? How long have you been there?", asked John, slightly annoyed.

But Nelle knew too well what had been bothering him. "Have you talked to her?"

"Who?"

"Ally."

"About what?"

Nelle just looked at him.

"Nelle, we all move on at some point," he said finally, this time he had retreated back into his wise and tender self. "Richard's getting married. Ling became a judge. Ally's going to New York. People move on. It's part of life. People move on."



And though you should just be my John Cage, why am I feeling this pain in my chest?

Madly in Love

What actually terrifies me the most is the possibility that I might never really find "the one".

Not because "the one" doesn't exist, but because I'm naturally unable to compromise. Because when push comes to shove, I will always resort back into thinking about my own happiness; about what makes myself happy. And if to include someone else in the equation would make myself less happy than I originally was, then why on earth would I be keeping that person in my life? And I'm telling you it's tough. Because I'm so good at being alone.

There's this defense mechanism I've built, that no matter what kind of situation you throw at me, I will adapt. You leave me on my own long enough, I'll learn to live life without you. I'll be expert at it, even. It may be hard at first. I will be missing you so bad till I cry. But I will cope. I always cope. I think people should start learning to not undermine my ability to cope. Because once the coping mechanism succeeds, I end up stronger, maybe even stronger than you...stronger than you to the point that I no longer need you in my life. And that's where the danger lies in my past relationship and possibly in every relationship I will be in the future.

I guess I've always been indifferent in relationships anyway. I mean if you still want me then good for us but if you don't then leave. I'm not the type who's willing to hurt myself by crying over someone who doesn't want me anymore. But that is why the thing I hope for most (as Ally also mentioned it once in her more memorable closings) is emotional dependence. I wanna meet, fall in love with and be with somebody I can't bear to live without. Somebody that will let me taste some of the madness of not being able to let someone go.........of loving someone more than life.

I mean we all want to be madly in love, don't we?

I May Look Calm and Smiling But In My Head I'm Ally McBeal

There Are No Tomorrows For This Heart of Mine

Surely time will lose these bitter memories
and I'll find that there is someone to believe in
and to live for something I could live for.

All the years of useless search
have finally reached an end.
Loneliness and empty days will be my
only friend.
From this day love is forgotten
I'll go on as best I can.

What lies in the future
is a mystery to us all.
No one can predict the wheel of fortune
as it falls.
There may come a time when I will see that
I've been wrong.
But for now this is my song.

And it's goodbye to love

I'll say goodbye to love.

.
.
.
(The Carpenters - Goodbye To Love)

Something That I (Don't) Want

There are two kinds of pain.
The first kind of pain is the pain of wanting something you don't have.
The second kind is the pain of having something you don't want.

Having experienced both, I must say that the second one is a lot worse.

I spent most of my teenage life either trapped in a twisted love triangle (where I'm the third person) or longing for someone who doesn't even know I exist. Yes. My love life was pathetic from the start. But I never knew that it could be even more pathetic once I "found someone" who actually reciprocates my feeling. Or not. I don't even know what kind of feeling that was.

But what if the man you love turns out to be not like the man you thought he was? You end up "having something you don't want." What do people do with things they don't want? They get rid of them.

You wish it was that easy. It's not, though, and it's late. That man you don't want is wanting you. You are left with two choices: having something you don't want for the rest of your life, or getting rid of that one person who really really wants you and thus becoming the subject who inflicts the first kind of pain.

There are two kinds of lover.
Those who compromise.
And those who wait for their own knight in shining armor.

Mental Pictures

It started as a joke. My dad, he sometimes casually said he would like to go to Kalimantan after he retired from his job. Also back then when we talked about my future, we used to be half-jokingly saying things like, "It's okay if you have to get a job across the sea. It's okay to have a job in Kalimantan." Why Kalimantan?

But never, never in a million years that I ever thought I would really be going there. Oh come on, it's not a big deal. It's just another province. It's not like you're going to another country. Well actually, living in the biggest archipelago in the world, it is a big deal. Because when you said you're moving out to another province, there's 90% that province you're talking about is literally overseas. But, you know, not overseas overseas. It's just...across the sea. And being a developing country with unbalanced national development, visiting another island could really feel just like visiting another country. Not that I'm going to lament about the contrasting difference between urban area and rural area. I actually like rural. It's just...the distance that I must travel to go back to those I've grown to love...

Twenty-five (almost) years of my life, I have never left my hometown for a very long period of time. Now that I'm experiencing it for the first time, strangely, it almost feels like dying... That strange feeling like you won't be seeing these people you've been seeing all your life. You start to wonder how they would be living their life without you. Are they going to miss you? Are their lives just going to move on like nothing substantial happens?

Will they be okay?

Some times you sincerely hope they will. But other times you wish they won't because you want your presence to at least ever mean a thing. You are beginning to hold tight to those last moments you share with them. Secretly you don't want them to let you go, but who are you kidding, you're the one who's leaving...

So you begin collecting the "looks". You're taking mental pictures of how they would look at you if they knew they won't be able to see you again in a very, very long time.

But counting down the days to go is just ain't living and I just hope you know
That if you say goodbye today I ask you to be true
'Cause the hardest part of this is leaving you