First Contact

Two years ago  —two weeks after my last entry on this blog, to be exact— I met my husband.

Yes, life is as funny as that, and the joke is on us.

I met my husband for the very first time. At that time, of course, he was just a nobody. A complete stranger I met during my visit to a new colleague of mine from this new office in the new little town I just moved to. (This new colleague of mine who later became my mother-in-law but we'll get into that later. Maybe not.) Everything was new to me and "met" is overstated because we just really kind of "laid eyes" on each other for the first time. No handshake, no small talks. Among other new things that happened to me that day, meeting him was actually the one thing that gave the least impression, if not none at all. But then again, no impression is also an impression.

The first meet. It was certainly not like in the movies, either. There was no pounding heartbeat or, wind suddenly blowing your hair in slow motion. No stardust magically sprinkled between where we were standing. Definitely no love at the first sight. Or the second sight for that matter, or even the third if there ever was one. Because I doubt that we ever met again since then. Never tried to. He had this unfriendly face that's like telling me not to go anywhere near him 😋 So I didn't (go anywhere near him). At least not until we really met again some times later with a proper introduction via Facebook Messenger. So thank God for the invention of the Internet, I think?

Turning Twenty-Five

We had been trying to be adults since we
were 15
When we finally reached 18, nothing
changed
It wasn't until we were lying on the
bathroom floor
Drunk and high in two different states
That we realized
Age is just a number
And reality is learning there's no such
thing as being an adult
You only grow older
                    And if you're lucky
                                         Maybe a little wiser

What is it that makes people think it's okay to be lost when you're 24, but once you turn 25 you're going to have to get your shit together. Who makes up that rule? What difference would one year make?

In case anyone cares, I turned 25 earlier this week. And dare I say, I have lived my life to the fullest.

My 24 was one hell of a year. On that year, for the first time, I was forced to be an adult. My mother fell sick. Not just any usual kind of sick. But the kind of sick that affects the whole big family. For the first time, my mom wasn't there to help me decide whatever kind of major decision I had to take in life. She has gotten a lot better now (thank God). But a little too many things have changed, I can't even remember how life used to be before the year 2014.

On the age of 24, I let go of the man I thought I was going to marry for the rest of my life. I ended a five-years relationship just because I wasn't sure with him anymore and the decision is still haunting me till this day.

I have found many new kinds of love along the way. I opened up myself to any kind of possibilities. I accepted any kind of affections I thought I deserved. I had a taste of the forbidden love affair. I even was "the other woman" for a moment there (and then another moment. Look what have become of me, Ma).

I met my so-called soulmate.

I met another version of me.

I met a lot of new, interesting people.

I even reconnected with a long-lost friend... or firstlove. Only to be lost again.

I had more life in one year than I ever had in my previous twenty-three years. So I thought, really, what is it in life that still can surprise me? I shouldn't be worried too much now............ except maybe, the fact that I'm 25 and still just as lost.

Opening poem via Hello Poetry

It’s Not That I Can’t Find A Man To Love Me, I Can’t Find A Man I Love

via Elite Daily

A Love That Never Was

In the very last episode of Ally McBeal, Ally had to move out to New York for the sake of Maddie's health. John, alone at his office, was reminiscing about some of the earliest meaningful conversation he had with Ally. The two had grown closer each year ever since they found out that they could understand each other's weirdness. They had a date once, which ended somewhat terribly. And John had to call it quits because it was apparent to him that at the time Ally was still in love with someone else from her past. At one point, Ally entertained the idea that they may have been made for each other and confronted John about it. But John was seeing someone else at the time and he began to see that their similarity made them best at being each other's therapist --not lover. Ally agreed that they shouldn't ruin their valuable friendship by contaminating it with love.

But for John, Ally would always be something special because in a world full of judgmental people, Ally is one of a very few people who gets him. In their own words, John no longer felt like he was the weirdest person in the room when he's with Ally. It's a blessing to ever have a chance to find someone who can make you feel that way and John knew it. He didn't get to meet someone like Ally everyday and everywhere. So it's very natural for him to cling onto her. It's very natural for him to want her for himself. And it's very natural for him to make another attempt...

John's musing was interrupted by Nelle's presence, who apparently had been standing there at his office unnoticed for quite some time.

"Nelle? Hello? How long have you been there?", asked John, slightly annoyed.

But Nelle knew too well what had been bothering him. "Have you talked to her?"

"Who?"

"Ally."

"About what?"

Nelle just looked at him.

"Nelle, we all move on at some point," he said finally, this time he had retreated back into his wise and tender self. "Richard's getting married. Ling became a judge. Ally's going to New York. People move on. It's part of life. People move on."



And though you should just be my John Cage, why am I feeling this pain in my chest?

Madly in Love

What actually terrifies me the most is the possibility that I might never really find "the one".

Not because "the one" doesn't exist, but because I'm naturally unable to compromise. Because when push comes to shove, I will always resort back into thinking about my own happiness; about what makes myself happy. And if to include someone else in the equation would make myself less happy than I originally was, then why on earth would I be keeping that person in my life? And I'm telling you it's tough. Because I'm so good at being alone.

There's this defense mechanism I've built, that no matter what kind of situation you throw at me, I will adapt. You leave me on my own long enough, I'll learn to live life without you. I'll be expert at it, even. It may be hard at first. I will be missing you so bad till I cry. But I will cope. I always cope. I think people should start learning to not undermine my ability to cope. Because once the coping mechanism succeeds, I end up stronger, maybe even stronger than you...stronger than you to the point that I no longer need you in my life. And that's where the danger lies in my past relationship and possibly in every relationship I will be in the future.

I guess I've always been indifferent in relationships anyway. I mean if you still want me then good for us but if you don't then leave. I'm not the type who's willing to hurt myself by crying over someone who doesn't want me anymore. But that is why the thing I hope for most (as Ally also mentioned it once in her more memorable closings) is emotional dependence. I wanna meet, fall in love with and be with somebody I can't bear to live without. Somebody that will let me taste some of the madness of not being able to let someone go.........of loving someone more than life.

I mean we all want to be madly in love, don't we?

I May Look Calm and Smiling But In My Head I'm Ally McBeal

There Are No Tomorrows For This Heart of Mine

Surely time will lose these bitter memories
and I'll find that there is someone to believe in
and to live for something I could live for.

All the years of useless search
have finally reached an end.
Loneliness and empty days will be my
only friend.
From this day love is forgotten
I'll go on as best I can.

What lies in the future
is a mystery to us all.
No one can predict the wheel of fortune
as it falls.
There may come a time when I will see that
I've been wrong.
But for now this is my song.

And it's goodbye to love

I'll say goodbye to love.

.
.
.
(The Carpenters - Goodbye To Love)